This Isn't Working Out Like I Planned
by Jude81
Summary: Part 2 of Clexa Pick-Up Lines series, but is not a sequel. Can be read on its own. This is complete. Humor & Fluff! Lexa makes the mistake of relying on the Skaikru to help her tell Clarke how she feels.


**This Isn't Working Out Like I Planned**

 **A/N: This is part of the Clexa Pick-Up Line series, but is not a sequel. Can be read on its own.**

 **A/N: This is for my friend, Marie (Marieve230) who is having a bad week. Hope this makes you smile.**

Lexa straightened up from the table where she and Clarke had been discussing strategy. She had been more than a little distracted by the blonde though: the way that her hair tumbled down her back, small gold rings sticking to her slightly sweaty face. The way she tapped her slim fingers on the table, beating out a rhythm only she could hear.

Lexa had casually leaned in a little closer, and tried not to be too obvious when she had inhaled the girl's scent. Gone was the stale, metallic smell that she had originally associated with her. Now she smelled of the hot sun; cool, loamy moss; and musky sweat. She had barely contained the shiver that had run through her muscles.

She walked over to the smaller table and grabbed the pitcher of water and a mug. She took a deep breath and steadied her nerves.

"Clarke?"

"Yes, Lexa?"

"Are you an alien?" Lexa opened her mouth to continue, but was interrupted by Clarke.

Clarke looked up from the maps she had been gazing at and looked thoughtfully at the wall of the tent, not bothering to turn and face Lexa. She chuckled lightly. "Actually, I suppose I am, since I was born in space, and I'm a foreigner to your world, so yeah, I am an alien."

She turned her attention back to the table, running her fingers along the lines on the map. Her brow was furrowed in concentration as she tried to make sense of the lines. She sighed. These maps were hopelessly outdated. The land had changed so much since the bombs had dropped.

"Oh." Lexa stared at the blonde, surprised by her answer. She hadn't been expecting it. She had been quite sure that this would garner the blonde's attention. After all the Skaikru boy had assured her that it would work. She silently willed Clarke to look at her, but despite all of the heat she poured into her gaze, Clarke didn't look up at her. She didn't even flinch.

She stared harder at the blonde. Nothing. She sighed and turned away. For all of her staring, she had a feeling that she had simply looked constipated, and she should probably be grateful that Clarke hadn't bothered to look at her.

She sighed quietly, looking down at her hands. She rubbed her fingers together, idly running her fingers across the callouses of her hands. They were strong hands. A warrior's hands. Hands too used to the curve of the handle of her blade. She straightened her fingers looking at them and then looking up at the blonde who was muttering under her breath as she bent over the maps. She sighed again. The pang in her heart turning into a steady ache.

Clarke distantly heard the sigh and tilted her head slightly towards Lexa, still not pulling her attention fully from the maps. But she stood and tapped her fingers against the map, then grunted and headed towards the tent exit, but stopped; remembering the sigh.

"Was there something else, Lexa?" She idly called over her shoulder.

"No, Clarke."

Clarke nodded and slipped out of the tent.

"Are you an alien, Clarke? Because you have abducted my heart." But Clarke didn't hear her whisper.

"Hi, Clarke. I have big feet."

"Big feet?" Clarke glanced down at Lexa's feet and then back up at the smiling girl. She really didn't know what to make of the smile. It had been happening more and more often. She narrowed her eyes.

"Who told you to say that?"

"Jasper. But I'm not sure what big feet have to do with anything, and they really aren't big." Lexa glanced down at her feet and then looked back up at Clarke expectantly.

Clarke rolled her eyes. It was more than obvious that Lexa didn't know what she was saying or doing. "Yea, it only works if you're a man." She sniggered under her breath.

Lexa jerked at the snigger. Was Clarke laughing at her? She flushed slightly and shifted awkwardly, suddenly wishing she hadn't asked Jasper for help. He hadn't mentioned anything about a man. Perhaps Clarke had misunderstood, after all Jasper knew that Lexa and Clarke were both women. But what did big feet have to do with men? "A man? What does big feet have to do with a man?"

Clarke chuckled, trying to not laugh at the perplexed look gracing the beautiful face in front of her. She was adorable. Wait? What? Adorable?! Where had that come from?! She bit back the rest of her chuckle and shrugged casually trying not to dwell on the adorableness of the commander. Could a Heda be adorable? Was that even allowed? Surely there were rules about this sort of thing…she jerked her head quickly, realizing she had gotten lost in her own thoughts. "Oh well, the bigger feet a man has, the bigger his…" her words stuttered and her eyes widened. Oh. Right.

Lexa cocked her head at Clarke waiting for her to continue, when it was obvious that she wasn't going to, she figured she had better prompt the blonde, "The bigger his what?"

"Um…you know what, the bigger his….um…" she hurriedly bit off the flow of words and shook her head adamantly, "you know what…it doesn't matter. Yeah, nope. It doesn't matter."

"But, Clarke," protested the brunette more confused than ever and wondering if she had somehow erred.

"It's ok, Lexa. Really. Don't worry about it." And Clarke reached out and gently squeezed Lexa's hand where it was worrying the pommel of her sword. And then she quickly turned on her heel and left before Lexa could continue.

"But are my feet wrong? Should my feet be bigger?" whispered the worried brunette, but Clarke didn't hear her. She sighed and looked down at her feet. She cursed them quietly. They weren't large. They were rather ordinary, perhaps too ordinary for the Skai Girl.

Perhaps it was time to stop asking the Skai boys. Yes. Of course! She should have been asking the Skai girls all along. She nodded, suddenly feeling better. After all, what did boys know? This called for a Skai Girl, more specifically Raven.

Too subtle. That was what Raven had said. She hadn't been bold enough she said. She needed to get Clarke's attention she said. And after all Raven was Clarke's best friend she had said. Trust me she had said. It was foolproof she had said. Clarke would get it she had said. She was going to kill Raven.

"Excuse me I'm lost."

"Lost? How can you possibly be lost, Lexa. We are standing in the middle of the village." Clarke sighed exasperatedly, and put one hand on her hip. She arched an eyebrow at Lexa waiting somewhat impatiently for the brunette to continue.

Lexa hesitated, slightly confused. This wasn't going the way she had imagined. She shifted uncomfortably for a moment, but then decided to simply forge on ahead.

"Yes, I know that, Clarke, but I am still lost." She stared pointedly at Clarke, hoping she would follow the script that Raven had so clearly laid out. Raven had been adamant that Clarke would recognize her clues, and would reply exactly as Raven said she would.

Clarke tried to muffle her groan, but she was tired, and wasn't quite in the mood to humor Lexa so she smirked and replied, "Ok. Lexa, I will play along. Let me guess, you want a map to my heart?"

Lexa's smile quickly disappeared to be replaced by a worried frown, "No, but should I? I mean, yes, I want that too, yes, I want a map to your heart," she hastened quickly realizing that she was no longer holding the blonde's interest. She quickly blurted out, "But, actually I want directions to your tent."

"I see." And Clarke raised her hand and pointed off to the side to her tent, "It's right there. Ten feet away, Lexa." She carefully enunciated each word, "Right. There."

Lexa followed Clarke's finger with her gaze and stared at the tent, only a few feet away and then looked back at Clarke, who didn't look very amused. She looked back at the tent and then Clarke again. She reached up and rubbed the back of her head and sighed, "Oh. That didn't work out like I thought it would."

"No, I guess it didn't," and with that Clarke turned on her heel and stomped off muttering under her breath about catching the culprits.

Yes, she was going to kill Raven. But first she would give the Skai Tinka one more chance to redeem herself. She stomped off in search of the girl.

"Clarke! Clarke!"

Clarke groaned as she heard the brunette calling after her. She was on her way to the stables, and she had so far successfully avoided the older girl for a solid day. This was becoming too much. She wasn't entirely sure where the ridiculousness was coming from or who was putting her up to it. And while it was annoying and completely ridiculous, part of her couldn't help but delight in the fact that the brunette was apparently seeking out her company. Although she hadn't figured out yet if Lexa was mocking her, playing with her, or being serious. She also wasn't sure she should be encouraging this behavior.

But she stopped and waited for the brunette to catch up with her. She tried to ignore the fluttering in her belly as she gazed at the tall, strong figure striding towards her. Her hair was wrapped in intricate braids, and her pants showed off the cut of her muscled legs. Clarke licked her lips.

"Hello, Clarke." Lexa gave her a timid smile, and then smiled brighter as Clarke gave her a little smile in return.

"Hello, Lexa, what can I do for you?"

Lexa pulled her shoulders back and looked seriously at Clarke and then took a deep breath. Clarke winced, knowing what was coming.

"Roses are Red and Violets are Blue, How would you like it if I did cunnilingus on you?"

Clarke stared in bewilderment. Ok, she had been wrong. She had not anticipated that exactly. She stared at the anxious but hopeful brunette. She let her gaze roam the older girl's beautiful face. Her eyes slipping over the high cheekbones; the full, pouty lips. She swallowed hard as she felt her mouth dry up, as all of the moisture in her body headed south on a one way trip. She opened her mouth to scold her but her hormones hijacked her mouth at the last possible moment, "I…uh…I mean…God! Yes! Yes, please!"

She wanted to clap her hand over her mouth, but it was too late to take it back. She felt her clit twitch, and she instinctively pressed her thighs together to ease the sudden wet pressure in her sex. Perhaps she should just let this play out. God knew it had been a long time.

Lexa let out a sigh of relief and beamed at Clarke and nodded, incredibly pleased with herself. "Good, good." She continued to smile at Clarke, shifting from foot to foot, almost giddy with relief. Finally. Something had worked. She had managed to get the blonde's attention. She nodded again, still smiling a little too widely, nodding expectantly at the blonde.

Clarke narrowed her eyes slightly at the smile, the unusual shifting. She sighed, "Lexa, do you know what cunnilingus is?"

Lexa's smile slowly dimmed, and she licked her lips, feeling the heat blossom across her cheeks. "Well…I um…" she coughed, embarrassed and refused to look at Clarke.

"Lexa." Clarke crossed her arms and waited.

"No," whispered Lexa, her shoulders slumping a little, but then she perked up, "but it is good, sha?" She looked eagerly at Clarke and was surprised by the blush that crawled up the younger girl's cheeks. She quirked an eyebrow at her more than a little interested in the way Clarke couldn't quite meet her eyes, in the way she nervously twisted her fingers together. She took a step closer. "Clarke?"

"Ahem…yes, of course. It is fine. I have to go," and Clarke hurried out of the tent anxious to suddenly put as much distance between herself and the commander.

Lexa stared after her in confusion, unsure if she had offended her or not. Raven had assured her that Clarke would say yes, which Clarke had actually done. And when she had questioned Raven about what it meant, Raven had simply laughed and told her not to worry about it, that Clarke would understand, Clarke would 'take it from there.' She sighed in irritation. It was obvious that she needed to speak to Raven again, as clearly, Clarke hadn't been as knowledgeable as Raven had claimed. She was more than a little miffed that Raven didn't seem to know her friend quite as well as she claimed. Perhaps it was time to talk to Octavia.

"Hello, Clarke."

Clarke eyed the older girl warily. She waited and then arched an eyebrow when nothing more was forthcoming. She slowly nodded and relaxed.

"Hello, Lexa. Is everything ok?" She gazed expectantly at the girl again.

"Sha, Clarke. Everything is fine. I was headed to the range, and thought you might like to come with me?" She gestured to the two bows and quivers thrown over her shoulder. She smiled gently, trying not to spook the girl. Clarke had been avoiding her, and she felt bad. She felt lonely. She missed the girl's voice. Her smile. The way that she still gazed at the forest in awe. So she had decided to teach her how to use a bow, hoping that it would give her more time to talk to Clarke.

Clarke couldn't help but smile back. She had been avoiding the brunette, until she got to the bottom of the ridiculous pick up lines. She had cornered Jasper a couple of days ago, but he had adamantly sworn that he had only told Lexa the one line; and since she had his skinny arm twisted up behind his back; she was inclined to believe him.

"Sha. That looks like fun." She nodded and walked along quietly with the brunette to the range.

They spent the next hour making small talk while Lexa showed Clarke how to use the bow. She didn't hit the target, but with each try, she came closer. The laughed and simply enjoyed each other's company. It was going so well that Lexa thought it might be time to try to get Clarke's attention again.

She looked at the blonde out of the corner of her eye, admiring the flush in her cheeks, the strong arms poking out of the tank top. She licked her lips and swallowed hard.

"You are looking good today, Clarke," she murmured quietly.

Clarke hesitated for a moment and looked at Lexa, but relaxed when she saw the same gentle smile on the girl's face. "Thank you, Lexa."

"Do you know how good you are looking?"

Clarke tensed. Oh God. Not again. She turned slowly to face Lexa again. "Um, no, I don't."

"Finger licking good! That's how good!" She smiled triumphantly waiting for Clarke to acknowledge her words, to smile at her. Or even throw herself into Lexa's arms. She could only hope. But her smile slowly faded as the scowl on Clarke's face grew.

"What the hell, Lexa!" Clarke threw her bow down and stomped off snarling under her breath.

Lexa stared after her, completely bewildered, her throat tight and salt stinging her eyes. What had happened?

Octavia had assured her that Clarke would appreciate it, despite Lexa's initial misgivings. But Octavia had pointed out that all girls liked to be complimented; and Lexa couldn't deny that. Octavia had sagely nodded her head and told her that Skaikru girl's especially liked this type of compliment. So Lexa had put her faith in Octavia, just as she had Raven previously.

Lexa had had the foresight to point out to Octavia that Raven had not been much help at all, especially for one who claimed to be Clarke's best friend. At this Octavia had scoffed loudly assuring Lexa that it was actually she, not Raven, who was Clarke's best friend, and would she lead Lexa astray? So Lexa had agreed, incredibly pleased that she would finally have Clarke's attention; and Clarke would understand how she felt.

Except now Clarke was mad. She rubbed briskly at her eyes and picked up the bows and quivers. She slung them over her shoulders. She narrowed her eyes, and growled under her breath. She would have to have a chat with Indra, as it would seem that Octavia had too much time on her hands, if she was making up lies to tell Heda. She smiled savagely.

"Clarke?"

Clarke threw up her hand, "No, Lexa. Just no! Seriously. Stop. Just stop. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about your feet, or about you getting lost. Or even cunnilingus." She snorted hard. "Yeah, Lexa, that is just how over this whole thing, I am. I don't even care about cunnilingus!" She waved her hands in the air, barely managing to not yell at the girl with the sad eyes. Sad eyes. No! Damnit. She would not be swayed.

She sighed and rubbed at her eyes, "you have to stop this, Lexa."

"One more, Klark. Just one more," she whispered.

Clarke peeked out between her fingers that covered her eyes. She couldn't deny the hope she saw in the glistening green eyes. She tightened her lips and closed her eyes. She dropped her hand with a sigh and finally wrenched her eyes back open. She braced herself and nodded tiredly.

"If I had a rose for every time I think of you, I would be walking through my garden forever." Lexa bit her lip staring anxiously at the blonde, her heart pounding in her ears. She gripped her belt tighter in one fist, and tried to ignore the sweat building up in her other fist that she kept tucked behind her back.

Clarke's mouth dropped open slightly, and she stared at the older girl, and as hard as she tried to resist, a slow smile tugged at her lips; and she gave in. "Well…ok…that was kind of sweet."

Lexa smiled shyly at Clarke, her eyes lighting up; and she slowly drew the hand from behind her back and held out three red roses to Clarke. But Lexa's shoulders dropped when Clarke didn't reach out to take the roses. This had been a bad idea. She stared sadly at the roses with the slightly tattered petals. "I'm sorry I don't have more. They are very rare, but I…I went to Polis to get them for you. The petals were bruised…" her voice trailed off and she started to withdraw her arm, "I'm sorry…"

She stumbled under the sudden weight of the blonde as she threw herself into Lexa's arms. She gasped and wrapped her arms around the slim waist. She opened her mouth to question her, but her words were cut off by warm lips against hers. She sighed into the kiss, and pulled Clarke more firmly into her arms. She nibbled lightly at the plump lips, and shivered when she felt them open beneath hers. She groaned when she felt wet, firm heat slide against her own tongue. She finally had to tear her mouth away in order to breathe properly, much to her own disgust.

She still held Clarke in her arms and felt herself melt at the beaming smile that the blonde gave her.

"They are beautiful, Lexa. But not as beautiful as you," and Clarke leaned up and dropped kisses all along Lexa's lips and jawline giggling all the while.

Lexa chuckled and bend her knees, grasping the girl more firmly, then stood abruptly lifting her off her feet. She swung her around to the sound of their joined laughter. And after she had set her back on her feet, and steadied the dizzy blonde; she offered her the roses again.

She beamed with pride and happiness when Clarke reached out and tangled their fingers together and then buried her nose in the roses. She was so happy that… "Hey, Clarke?"

"Shut up, Lexa."

And Lexa did.

 **A/N: Hope you all enjoyed it. Thoughts?**


End file.
